HELP!

I was pounding my fists on the floor. I was laying face down beside my bed. I was pleading for God's help.  To say I was at my whit's end would be a big understatement. Over and over I struggled with my son. As a Mom, I was helpless. He was not my first child. I thought I had some parenting savvy. Nothing seemed to work. Everyone told me I was just not disciplining him enough. (This is my son who on his last birthday, I asked him to share some of his fun birthday memories from childhood. He quickly replied, "None. I was always in trouble on my birthday." OUCH!!)

Looking back, I asked for advice from pastors, counselors, family members, friends. Nothing helped. One pastor told me, "Some balloons just fly higher than others." One time in a family counseling session- with a counselor who had experience working at a troubled teen-age boys home- we watched our son run circles around the counselor. I was not sure if I should feel better or worse that the counselor could not handle him any better than we could. The one hour session lasted over two hours and at the break our other son, begged his brother to just stop so we could go home.

Multiple times, I lay face down by my bed pounding my fists on the floor in desperation- crying out to God for help. 

Eventually my sister found Total Transformation Program by James Lehman. and suggested it to us. My husband and I would go walking every weekend to listen to the next step of the program. Then we would come home and wait for a problem to arise with our son so we could do the homework for the week-a step by step what to do. In this program we all learned problem solving in a powerful way. The program also had a life ring- a 24 hour phone number to call if help was needed. I can still remember a number of times when I drove away from the house crying, parked and called the number to get help with how to handle what was the current crisis. The person on the line always calmed me down and helped me with the plan.

Then my neighbor found The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis and suggested it to us. Although it is often used for adopted children, it is also used for any child who had trauma especially at a young age. (In this case, in-utero trauma, several deaths of loved ones, and plane crash during his very early years.) This taught us he needed connection -encouragement, love, play, structure, etc.- not punishment. One spring day when he walked in from high school, off the cuff I asked him to do a minor chore in the garage. Immediately he went into a rage. I stepped next to him and put my hand on his arm (connection) as he continued to scream. (Every bone in my body protested what I was doing. This seemed counterintuitive to everything I thought as far as good parenting, but it was consistent with the "Connected Child" ideas.) Several minutes later-felt like a long time-the "fight or flight" was gone and he settled down. Calmly, I commented, "Wow, that was not very good. Can you explain what happened and can we have a redo of that? Much to my amazement he went back to the door and walked in again. I asked him to do the same thing with a bit more information

(structure) and he instantly went and did what I had asked. That event marked a major positive turning point in his behavior and our relationship.

He is now a very successful connector, an amazing problem solver, an excellent leader, and very fun to be with. We are so proud of him. 

Numerous times, my son called me in college. "Mom, thank you for not giving up on me. I know I was so bad, but you really helped me! Thank you!"

Why do I doubt God? Over and over, He provides for me! He did answer yes to my pleas for help.  As I think back to how hopeless I felt and how God sent help for me, I cry joyful tears!

Pray. Patience. Persevere.

Got Sibling Rivalry?

"The reason you have sibling rivalry is your fault... you had more than one child!" humorously declared Dr. Todd Cartmell, one of my favorite speakers. 

I was constantly trying to learn new tricks from many sources to deal with sibling rivalry. 

Here are a few of the most useful tricks of the trade that I gathered over time:

1. Compete together, not as rivals

Do not pit siblings against each other; you want them to be on the the same team. No more, "Last one upstairs is a rotten egg." Better to say, "I'm going to count to 5; who can get to the top of the stairs before I get to 5?" This fosters competition, but against the clock, not against each other. 

Work toward common goals as a family. For example, one summer we worked together as a family on an exercise goal. When we got to a certain number of points we bought a kayak. Each person got points for recording his exercise on our family exercise chart. (1 point for every mile walking or running. 1 point for every 2 miles biking.  1 point for every 1/2 mile swimming.) This fostered encouraging each other, exercising together, and uplifting conversations. (More on kayaks and common family goals in future posts.)

2. Even/Odd

When you are trying to figure something out, and everybody wants something different. engage the even/odd rule. Who is even or odd? Figure out a way to assign even or odd to each child. In our family it worked to use birthdate number. Of my older 2 boys, I had one born on an even date (24) and one born on an odd date (17).  The same with the younger two, one had even and one odd birthdate. It might be the number of birth date, birth month, or birth year. Get creative so you can assign each child an even or odd number.

When there was an argument (like what fast food place to eat at, which seat to sit in, or who got to go first, etc.) if it was an even day of the month, the child that was the "even child" picked first. If it was an odd day, the "odd child" picked first. When we first implemented this policy, there were a few arguments-"he got to go first last time"-but we just stood firm in the ruling and over time, everyone became comfortable with the somewhat arbitrary decision maker and life and decision making became much easier.

3. Known consequences for fighting in the car

The consequences for arguing or fighting in our vehicle car...walking home. If the boys were fighting, they got one warning to stop. If they did not stop, when we were about a half mile or a mile or so from home, they had to get out and walk home. Multiple benefits: healthy exercise used up some of their energy,  tranquility in the car the rest of the way home, and the boys learned to keep the peace while riding in the car. Our car time became much more civil, especially on very hot, very cold, and rainy days! 

For a couple days each spring, with a carful of friends, I  headed off to "Hearts at Home" or "Mommy School" as it was affectionately known in our household for many years. We listened to renowned keynote speakers, laughed and cried together with thousands of other moms, attended breakout sessions with topics from babies to college aged kids and everything in-between, marriage, spiritual growth, exercise, nutrition, money management etc., and came back home refreshed and renewed. My boys used to say it was good and bad when I went to Mommy School-good because I came home so happy, bad because I came with new tricks up my sleeve for parenting. 

With four boys, you can imagine why I attended the breakout session about sibling rivalry with Dr. Todd Cartmell. Recently he did a podcast with Jill Savage on her "No More Perfect" podcast. This excellent podcast was recorded in February 2021- conversation begins with dealing with kids and covid. Especially helpful was the part about changing how we think. Dr. Cartmell discussed helping your children divide everything into a category of either things I can change or things I cannot change.  (This blogpost on cognitive disorders has additional pertinent information. I encourage you to read it here: Change Cognitive Distortions ) Dr. Cartmell continues on with some of the most relevant and practical tools for raising healthy children and building desirable family life. Listen to the podcast here: "Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry"

Some additional links to excellent resources that helped create successful family life in our home:

Dr. Todd Cartmell Child psychologist who has been working with children, teens, families, and parents for over 25 years with a plethora of very helpful tools for parenting. 

Jill Savage-No More Perfect Founder and leader of Hearts at Home, author and speaker on topics including moms, marriage, empty nest. She is one of the top people I regularly read and listen to. On her podcasts she interviews a variety of experts.

Throughout the summer, at the request of some moms, I will be posting other resources and  if I get brave enough some of the not-so-rosy stories of raising our boys.

"Rejoice always. Praying continually. Give thanks in all circumstances." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18a

I love to encourage MOMS. Please feel free to reach out to me if you have questions or if you need a little cheering. You are not alone!

Summertime and Living with Children is NOT Always Easy

🎵"Summertime and the livin' is easy..."🎵 Or so goes the song. For me, having four boys home from school, I would describe summertime more like wild and wooly-not easy. 

Several MOMS asked me to post on my blog, stories about my boys and resources that helped me when parenting my children. The next several posts will include information that I found helpful in raising my four rambunctious boys!

Although summer was a time free from school schedules, and we all liked the break, having a bit of routine helped make sure the "important" stuff happened. Lest you see a nice rosy picture of obedient children, I assure you, it took several weeks (insert whining, arguing, avoidance, etc.) until everyone knew Mom meant business about getting the checklist finished before anything else. 

Every day before any TV, computer, etc., the boys had to complete their checklist:

*Bible reading (and some summers- memorizing Bible verses)

*Reading a book (for 10-20 minutes- time varied on age)

*Practice music lesson (we did not always do summer lessons, but they still had to practice for 15 minutes or so, which most of them loved to do-very therapeutic for my kids, even to this day)

*Exercise (could be biking, running, walking, swimming lessons, playing on the swing set or at the park)

*Complete chores 

For chores, everyone had a few daily chores. Most of the time we would have a chore chart that would change weekly or monthly. During the school year, chores were lighter-their main chore was homework.  One summer I wrote down everything I could think of for cleaning the entire house and each boy had to demonstrate they could successfully do each task. I wanted to be sure they knew how to clean everything. (Hopefully their wives will appreciate it.) Additionally each boy was responsible for loading his own dishes into the dishwasher and putting away 1-2 things from the table...Many hands make light work. 

For laundry I put the clean clothes on my king bed and sorted into each child's designated corner of the bed. (When I was little, Mom had a table right by the dryer. Each of us kids had a specific part of the table where she put our clothes and we each had to fold and put away our own. All the important questions and conversations transpired at the folding table. I have so many fond memories of talking with my mom at the laundry table and wanted to foster the same with my family.)  All my boys were responsible for folding and getting their clothes to their room.  I always had the idea that clothes should be put away in drawers and closets. My teenagers, however, did not all have that same idea. HA! One of my sons, in particular, argued that it was a waste of time to fold and put away clothes only to take them back out again to wear them. Choosing your battles is a fine point of successful parenting. Ultimately that was one battle I decided not to fight. Also as my children got older, I taught them to do their own laundry. (One of my sons insisted on doing his own laundry early on-very particular about how he wanted his clothes washed and dried.)

Dealing with screens is a constant conflict. How much? When? What? Where?Although technology has upsides, it also has downsides, so it is important to figure out as a parent and as a family how to manage it. This blog post addresses some research about screen time:  NixNatureDeficitDisorder

Here are some excellent resources for finding technology balance (and some scary facts):

Screen Kids: 5 Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World by Gary Chapman & Arlene Pellicane

The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer

The Tech-Wise Family-Everyday Steps for Putting Technology in its Proper Place by Andy Crouch

Screens and Teens by Kathy Koch, Ph. D.

https: How to Mange Screen time for Your Kids and Grandkids with Jill Savage and Arlene Pellicane The first part is about covid. Around minute 20, she has very useful advice regarding screen time.

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men... You are serving the Lord Christ." Colossians 3:23-24

Summertime, a really fabulous opportunity to positively influence your children! 

CHEERING you on!

Out of the Mouth of "Babes"

Life lessons came this morning out of the mouths of babes or in this case, teens and twenty-something children.

Our morning family text message stream started like this:

Text from Babe #: Nothing like dumping cheerios dust into your bowl to start off a Friday.
(Babe # has always detested Cheerio dust!)

Text from Babe x: It’s the little things in life… its all about outlook
You gotta see that as, “Man, I just ate ANOTHER whole box of cheerios. My life is amazing. I have an amazing beautiful wife who loves my quirks. I have an amazing job I love going to that allows me to pay not only for these cheerios, but also for my wife’s noncheerios… and so many other things. I have friends that think I’m cool. I have a family that thinks I’m even cooler. My favorite little brother is also having a great week because of his outlook. Man God is good.”
And then go back to eating your cheerios and having a great day.

Text from Babe # wife: My wife’s non cheerios 

Text from Babe x: I’m telling you… 2022
O.C.D.
Outlook - there is always a reason to see joy - don’t let preventable situations (not eating or sleeping) cloud that
Commitment - weigh your offers and pursue the ones you really love and commit to them
Dedication - between self discipline and warding off distractions, you can fully be dedicated to the people, and things you’ve committed yourself to
O.C.D. ….. it’s gonna be a thing

Text from Babe # wife: Who preached that sermon?
(Good question from Babe # wife. I was about to ask that myself!)

Text from Babe X: Came up w that over break when we were all in the car going somewhere and I was tired and without reason a little grumpy/not the best mood.
I reasoned, I am literally in the environment I wish I could be always-all of us were together, there is no reason to be anything but ecstatic. Hence outlook.
Tired also of being overburdened with commitments and feeling like I’m committed to everything but not good at anything, so doing my best to get better at saying no, and making my yes better.
And tired of being distracted. If I’m committed, I’m gonna do my absolute best.

WOW.

“Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.”
‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭4:12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

May these words of “youth” encourage you today. O.C.D.

P.S. Maybe this should be the 2nd in a series titled, “Reasons to Persist Through Parenting Teen-Agers”  (Read the 1st one here See #5 on covid thankful list.)

Parenting is hard.
But important.
Persevere.
(If you need parenting encouragement, contact me.)