I was pounding my fists on the floor. I was laying face down beside my bed. I was pleading for God's help. To say I was at my whit's end would be a big understatement. Over and over I struggled with my son. As a Mom, I was helpless. He was not my first child. I thought I had some parenting savvy. Nothing seemed to work. Everyone told me I was just not disciplining him enough. (This is my son who on his last birthday, I asked him to share some of his fun birthday memories from childhood. He quickly replied, "None. I was always in trouble on my birthday." OUCH!!)
Looking back, I asked for advice from pastors, counselors, family members, friends. Nothing helped. One pastor told me, "Some balloons just fly higher than others." One time in a family counseling session- with a counselor who had experience working at a troubled teen-age boys home- we watched our son run circles around the counselor. I was not sure if I should feel better or worse that the counselor could not handle him any better than we could. The one hour session lasted over two hours and at the break our other son, begged his brother to just stop so we could go home.
Eventually my sister found Total Transformation Program by James Lehman. and suggested it to us. My husband and I would go walking every weekend to listen to the next step of the program. Then we would come home and wait for a problem to arise with our son so we could do the homework for the week-a step by step what to do. In this program we all learned problem solving in a powerful way. The program also had a life ring- a 24 hour phone number to call if help was needed. I can still remember a number of times when I drove away from the house crying, parked and called the number to get help with how to handle what was the current crisis. The person on the line always calmed me down and helped me with the plan.
Then my neighbor found The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis and suggested it to us. Although it is often used for adopted children, it is also used for any child who had trauma especially at a young age. (In this case, in-utero trauma, several deaths of loved ones, and plane crash during his very early years.) This taught us he needed connection -encouragement, love, play, structure, etc.- not punishment. One spring day when he walked in from high school, off the cuff I asked him to do a minor chore in the garage. Immediately he went into a rage. I stepped next to him and put my hand on his arm (connection) as he continued to scream. (Every bone in my body protested what I was doing. This seemed counterintuitive to everything I thought as far as good parenting, but it was consistent with the "Connected Child" ideas.) Several minutes later-felt like a long time-the "fight or flight" was gone and he settled down. Calmly, I commented, "Wow, that was not very good. Can you explain what happened and can we have a redo of that? Much to my amazement he went back to the door and walked in again. I asked him to do the same thing with a bit more information
(structure) and he instantly went and did what I had asked. That event marked a major positive turning point in his behavior and our relationship.
He is now a very successful connector, an amazing problem solver, an excellent leader, and very fun to be with. We are so proud of him.
Numerous times, my son called me in college. "Mom, thank you for not giving up on me. I know I was so bad, but you really helped me! Thank you!"
Why do I doubt God? Over and over, He provides for me! He did answer yes to my pleas for help. As I think back to how hopeless I felt and how God sent help for me, I cry joyful tears!
Pray. Patience. Persevere.
