Got Sibling Rivalry?

"The reason you have sibling rivalry is your fault... you had more than one child!" humorously declared Dr. Todd Cartmell, one of my favorite speakers. 

I was constantly trying to learn new tricks from many sources to deal with sibling rivalry. 

Here are a few of the most useful tricks of the trade that I gathered over time:

1. Compete together, not as rivals

Do not pit siblings against each other; you want them to be on the the same team. No more, "Last one upstairs is a rotten egg." Better to say, "I'm going to count to 5; who can get to the top of the stairs before I get to 5?" This fosters competition, but against the clock, not against each other. 

Work toward common goals as a family. For example, one summer we worked together as a family on an exercise goal. When we got to a certain number of points we bought a kayak. Each person got points for recording his exercise on our family exercise chart. (1 point for every mile walking or running. 1 point for every 2 miles biking.  1 point for every 1/2 mile swimming.) This fostered encouraging each other, exercising together, and uplifting conversations. (More on kayaks and common family goals in future posts.)

2. Even/Odd

When you are trying to figure something out, and everybody wants something different. engage the even/odd rule. Who is even or odd? Figure out a way to assign even or odd to each child. In our family it worked to use birthdate number. Of my older 2 boys, I had one born on an even date (24) and one born on an odd date (17).  The same with the younger two, one had even and one odd birthdate. It might be the number of birth date, birth month, or birth year. Get creative so you can assign each child an even or odd number.

When there was an argument (like what fast food place to eat at, which seat to sit in, or who got to go first, etc.) if it was an even day of the month, the child that was the "even child" picked first. If it was an odd day, the "odd child" picked first. When we first implemented this policy, there were a few arguments-"he got to go first last time"-but we just stood firm in the ruling and over time, everyone became comfortable with the somewhat arbitrary decision maker and life and decision making became much easier.

3. Known consequences for fighting in the car

The consequences for arguing or fighting in our vehicle car...walking home. If the boys were fighting, they got one warning to stop. If they did not stop, when we were about a half mile or a mile or so from home, they had to get out and walk home. Multiple benefits: healthy exercise used up some of their energy,  tranquility in the car the rest of the way home, and the boys learned to keep the peace while riding in the car. Our car time became much more civil, especially on very hot, very cold, and rainy days! 

For a couple days each spring, with a carful of friends, I  headed off to "Hearts at Home" or "Mommy School" as it was affectionately known in our household for many years. We listened to renowned keynote speakers, laughed and cried together with thousands of other moms, attended breakout sessions with topics from babies to college aged kids and everything in-between, marriage, spiritual growth, exercise, nutrition, money management etc., and came back home refreshed and renewed. My boys used to say it was good and bad when I went to Mommy School-good because I came home so happy, bad because I came with new tricks up my sleeve for parenting. 

With four boys, you can imagine why I attended the breakout session about sibling rivalry with Dr. Todd Cartmell. Recently he did a podcast with Jill Savage on her "No More Perfect" podcast. This excellent podcast was recorded in February 2021- conversation begins with dealing with kids and covid. Especially helpful was the part about changing how we think. Dr. Cartmell discussed helping your children divide everything into a category of either things I can change or things I cannot change.  (This blogpost on cognitive disorders has additional pertinent information. I encourage you to read it here: Change Cognitive Distortions ) Dr. Cartmell continues on with some of the most relevant and practical tools for raising healthy children and building desirable family life. Listen to the podcast here: "Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry"

Some additional links to excellent resources that helped create successful family life in our home:

Dr. Todd Cartmell Child psychologist who has been working with children, teens, families, and parents for over 25 years with a plethora of very helpful tools for parenting. 

Jill Savage-No More Perfect Founder and leader of Hearts at Home, author and speaker on topics including moms, marriage, empty nest. She is one of the top people I regularly read and listen to. On her podcasts she interviews a variety of experts.

Throughout the summer, at the request of some moms, I will be posting other resources and  if I get brave enough some of the not-so-rosy stories of raising our boys.

"Rejoice always. Praying continually. Give thanks in all circumstances." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18a

I love to encourage MOMS. Please feel free to reach out to me if you have questions or if you need a little cheering. You are not alone!