Got Lonely??

"Embarrassed to admit," texted my young mom friend, "but I'm pretty lonely besides my amazing husband and children...Hard to move during covid, lots of cliques."

Yesterday, she kept being on my mind and I felt God nudging me to check in on her. I sent off a quick text, "You are on my mind? How are you?" And I was thrilled that she gave me a brief update and sent a beautiful picture of her family. And then she followed up with some very transparent prayer requests and also shared about her loneliness. 

Ironically, I felt like her honest sharing about her loneliness was an answer to my pouring out of my heart to God as I walk through a lonely season-a transition season for me. All of the sudden I did not feel so alone in my loneliness.

In walking through this season, I have pondered my current life and some situations that contribute to lonely:

My husband had a bad injury in October that ultimately resulted in total knee replacement. (THAT is an entire blogpost of its own.) Despite the pain and rehab, the several months of living daily life together was so wonderful, but now he is back to long days at work. While he was home the R word was discussed.  Retirement is ahead, but we do not know when or where or what. I thought it was hard making all those types of decisions for college. I had no idea I would face similar questions again in my older age.

Two churches- both 20-25+ minutes away on Sunday morning and longer during the week for any other activities. I grew up as PK living next to the church and then in Janesville where my church was a 15 minute bike ride away or 7 minute drive-maybe 9 minutes if traffic was heavy. One church my brother and his wife belong to, the other my sister and her husband belong to, and we love both churches and the people-but I do not really feel like I belong to either.

Two homes-my husband loves his work in a place that is about an hour away. (Previously it had not been as long of a drive, but after his knee surgery between more people back to work and about 1500 bazillion new homes being built along that road, the traffic has become so much worse). After my youngest went to college, we decided to split our time between our home and my husband's work town. So I live a divided life-half the time we live at our home and half the time we stay near his work so he does not have to commute every day. (For multiple reasons, it is not feasible for us to move to his work town.)

A few months ago, my youngest son and his new wife moved 950 miles away to "dream job". I am so excited for him to have "work" that is "fun" and an opportunity to use his education, skills, and talents in such a perfect way; plus he has great boss. We all know job satisfaction is highly related to the boss. His wife, too, has an ideal job for her. My other children have similar situations and my grandbabies are more than 1000 miles away in states in opposite parts of the USA. We visit often. We FaceTime often. But they are far away. (Nothing like injury and surgery to make that point.)

After moving here, I stopped my professional work which was very part time (couple days a month). I did not realize how much I would miss it. But I did jump right into an incredible volunteer role with delightful people at the Christian high school that allowed me to be part of God's mission and use my skills to serve. Over the course of time, many of the people I worked closely with have taken other jobs and although I am still involved, with living half the week someplace else, I have less connections with the people there now.

What I am learning in this season:

-When your children leave for college, you are just "practicing" for empty nest. True empty nest is after they have begun their adult lives and careers and now only come home for visits.

-Loneliness is a fact of human nature. (And I am thankful for others sharing that vulnerability.)

-I appreciate people who have shared seasonal (right now...retirement) wisdom with us.

-In this era of time-with our always available cell phone-we lack tangible connection. I was interacting with two friends this morning about the storms we had last night, about a humerous interaction I had with my husband this morning, and the one year anniversary of my friend's dog's death, etc. Before cell phones, instead of texting, we would have been meeting in person for coffee or tea and talking, laughing, and crying together physically face to face. Although phones bring us together in some ways, there is a lack of connection also.

-When I am in my funky times of "lonely" I need people, but my tendency is turn to isolation.  A while ago, I started a list of people whom are friends or people whom I want to get to know better. It might seem silly, however, this list of people helps me to interact when I am struggling. I try to set up "play dates"- inviting people over for dinner, setting up a coffee or lunch date, or meeting for a walk.

This morning the birds sang loudly reminding me of yesterday's devotion titled "God Provides" based on Matthew 6:25-34. "Therefore do not be anxious about your life...Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap...and yet your heavenly Father feeds them..." As I look back over my life, I see all the millions of ways God has provided for me. And guess what the title of today's Portal of Prayers devotion is?? "Not Alone" About Elijah. Feeling alone. Except he is not. God is with him. Just like God is with us.

I am so thankful for God's Word, for Holy Communion, for the community of believers, for my siblings and families (a close-knit bunch even though we are spread out), for God's creation, for God's guidance in the past reminding me that He will also guide and be with me in the future, for friends who are willing to be vulnerable. 

My confirmation verse has been timely my entire life and especially now! "Be content with what you have, for He has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5b

BEST "Rules" for Mother of the Groom

 

"Wear beige and keep your mouth shut!" Those were the initial words of advice from friends when the first of my sons got engaged. 

I do not wear beige and keeping my mouth shut is definitely not my forte.

On the internet are many lists of rules of do's and don't for the Mother of the Groom (and everyone else involved with the wedding). As my third time as Mother of the Groom, I realize every wedding is unique because the circumstances of each bride and groom is different than other ones. 

Here are "my" universal rules for Mother of the Groom:

1. LOVE

Love your son. Love your son's choice for his bride, life partner, and the newest member of your family.  When God blesses parents with a newborn baby, we fall in love with our child. But let's be real, some moments are not so lovely-constant diaper changing, crying of unknown origin, sleepless nights, etc. Perhaps we need to consider our future daughter-in-law in a similar way. What are the characteristics that we can absolutely fall in love with and also realize there may be parts that are not so lovely?

When I got married, my "Mother of the Groom" was not at all warm and fuzzy to me. At times, I perceived that she was downright mean to me. Through the years I began to understand her more than I could appreciate as a young bride. I am so thankful that God did bless our relationship with healing before she died. (A very special story for another time.)  

Recently I had a friend tell me that she has had no contact with her in-laws since she got married- 25+ years ago. When I asked her why she quickly replied, "They're mean!" Ouch. Could that be ME at times? Definitely NOT the legacy I want to leave.  

Love the bride. Ask her questions. Pay attention to her interests, joys, favorite foods. Find out about the challenges in her life. 

Listen. Seek to understand what the bride and groom want for their wedding.  (Conversations are best had when everyone is rested and fed.)

Love is patient, kind, forgiving, and rejoices in truth. Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  1 Corinthians 13

2. LAUGH

At the end of the day, the bride and groom will be married. No matter how carefully you plan absolutely everything, there will always be something that goes wrong. 

"The cake fell on the floor." That was the bad news my friend's mother met her with as she walked into her wedding reception. The entire cake had slid off the table and splatted on the floor. My friend burst out laughing. Soon everyone was laughing. Even now I smile thinking about that moment that was met with humor instead of stress. 

At my wedding, my bridesmaid sister was pregnant. The August wedding date that my husband hoped would be a typical moderate WI summer temperature was over 100 degrees. The church did not have A.C. -many places in our town did not have A.C in that era-so my other sisters set up a fan for her. When we were all standing up front, my sister realized the fan was blowing not on her, but on the wall. We all started giggling a bit. That little bit of laughter seemed to make the hot temperatures seem a bit cooler. 

When one of my sons got married, the venue did not provide alcohol, but we could bring champagne in for a  toast. We gathered the bride, groom, parents, and siblings and did a taste test of a few different types in order to pick the one we would use on the special day. We had blindfolds and a silly rating scale. The lighthearted evening was such a fun break from the intensity and pressures of wedding planning. The laughter we had that evening created a new special bond between the two families. 

How can you find laughter amidst the pressure for everything to be perfect? In the end, the things that go  wrong, will be the funny stories that will be told and retold. 

 

3. LET IT GO

My eldest son wisely advises brides and grooms to each pick three things that are most important and let everything else go because at the end of the day what is most important is that the bride and groom are married. So much more important than the one wedding day is the marriage that lasts a life time.

Ahhh the bringing together of families and traditions can be tricky. I love to watch "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", but I do not like living it.  Almost every summer for 14 years, one of my nieces or nephews has gotten married. Like a rolling snowball, each wedding seems to add another family wedding "tradition". Now that it is my son getting married, I want to incorporate and honor all these special family "traditions". However, this is not my wedding, it is their wedding. Not all of these "traditions" will happen it is a blending of families. "Let it go." 

My mom had a helpful mantra,'"Don't sweat the small stuff. Make everything the small stuff."

Ida Mall, former National President of LWML, declares, "If it is not about salvation, let it go!" So many things in this world do not ultimately matter. To have a proper perspective on the wedding day rules, Ida's advice rings loud and clear. "If it is not about salvation, let it go." 

Mother of the Groom, how can you love, laugh and let it go?! 

"Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all." 2 Thessalonians 3:16

BEST New Year's Goal

Best New Year's goal!  

If you know me, you are guessing that I am telling you physical exercise is the best goal, because exercise is my professional and personal passion. I love to help people figure out how to make exercise part of their everyday life and to reap ALL the extensive benefits of exercise! (Feel free to talk to me about exercise! Also search on my blog post "exercise".)

Spiritual exercise is even more important.

This year make it your goal to WRITE GOD"S WORD ON YOUR HEART.

1.Take the weekly Bible verse challenge. 

https://www.lcms.org/worship/memory-verse-challenge?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email

Write the verse on your bathroom mirror with dry-erase pen. For other ideas on how to memorize Bible verses, read this blog post: https://karensuemurdy.blogspot.com/2023/07/what-is-written-on-your-childs-heart.html

2. Go to church every Sunday; hear the Word of God, fellowship with the body of believers in Christ.

When Mom was dying of cancer, a young man commended her strength for peace and faith during such a difficult journey. She replied, "It is not me that is strong, it is God who gives me strength. Be in God's Word every day and worship in church every Sunday." She explained to him, "You have to plan ahead and prioritize going to church every single Sunday."

3. Teach God's Word to your children. More so than ever in a world of fake news, airbrushed photos, AI, etc. truth needs to be taught to our children. 

My Doctor husband often has patients ask, "Am I going to die?" 

"Yes, you are going to die; the death rate is 100%," he quickly replies. "But, probably not today."

EVERY single person is going to die (unless they happen to be around for the day Christ returns).

The Good News from the Bible "For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standards. Yet, God in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty from our sins." Romans 3:23-24

A favorite speaker from LWML, Ida Mall, declares, "If it is not about salvation, it is not important. Let it go. " At the end of the day, nothing except God matters. 

HAPPY 2024!

What will this year bring for you? 

Whatever this year brings, spiritual exercise of being in God's Word will make it better.

Fifteen Hundred Miles of Valuable Time

How many minutes do you spend in the car in one week? during holidays traveling to family and friends? in one year?

After we had our third child, we no longer flew to our annual Lake Powell, Utah trip. At the end of the first day of our almost 1500 mile trek, I felt distraught. Everyone was in their own world with headsets and cd or mini dvd players. Although we were physically together, it felt like each person was in their own world. And only two plus more days to go. "No more!" I declared at the end of the day. We were in this together. The next day-not without some initial rauccous complaining- I set new travel ground rules. No more long headset days. Instead we would read books together. We would listen to cds and watch dvds as a family and discuss them, etc. This was the beginning of learning and exploring as a family, turning minutes and miles in the car into insightful discussions, important learning, and special memories.

Together, we listened to and discussed many of the audio episodes of Adventures in Odyssey.  https://app.adventuresinodyssey.com/ Years later when I was preparing a talk for a MOPS group, "Pay it Forward, Top Ten Tips for Passing the Torch of Truth" I asked my then 20 something year old son what was influential in the growth of his faith. One of his answers was Adventures in Odyssey. "It helped me to see how to apply God's Word into action in real life- often difficult scenarios in everyday situations."

Together we expanded our imaginations as we read books including C.S. Lewis Chronicles of Narnia, Laura Ingalls Wilder Little House Series, etc. (Read about more book ideas here: https://karensuemurdy.blogspot.com/2023/11/a-gift-that-lasts.html ) 

Together we  repeatedly listened to a 12 minute history time line set to music and talked through what happened when and where in  history. Although our youngest was home schooled for a few years- the reason we got started with the timeline- it was a learning experience for all us. (For the first time in my life, I finally understood history and how it all fit together!) Everyone in our family had some history ah ha moments.  

Together we laughed our heads off with comedians like Tim Hawkins and Bob Smiley and books like Phyllis Reynolds Naylor Boys vs Girls series. And some times after hours in the car, we all were just stir-crazy silly.

Together, we worked on memorizing Bible verses. I picked verses-often by looking at the Lutheran Study Bible from Concordia Publishing House, which lists theme verse in the commentary at the beginning of each book of the Bible. Using index cards with a ring clip we put them in the order of the Biblical books.When we were in the car, we would review several verses. (I did not start this until my youngest was in middle school, but wished I had begun when my oldest was young.  Also, I would have added who wrote the book of the Bible and when it was written.) A great overview of the Bible. A great way to strength memory. A great way to write God's word on your heart. 

Calculate the minutes and hours you have with your family while you are on the road. (In Janesville, the farthest place in town was about 15 minutes away. In Austin, the farthest place in town is about an hour away; the closest is about 15 minutes. Crazy.) 

Minutes and miles of valuable time to TALK, LEARN, and LAUGH together. 

A Gift that Lasts

Is it my imagination or does "Black Friday" come sooner and sooner each year...long before the old fashioned version of the day after Thanksgiving? HA! 

As Black Friday approaches-whatever day that may be for you personally-here a few fun suggestions of great books if you are buying presents for children, families, or those young at heart. 

Recently my boys again told me, "Mom, please make sure you have the Phyllis Reynolds Naylor books to read to our kids some day!" On long car rides, when they were younger, I read the Naylor Boy/Girl battle series. We laughed our heads off together at the adventure of the shenanigans of a family of four Hatford boys living next to a family of three Malloy girls.  (Dare I admit, reading these books made me thankful for my four boys over three girls?!) There are 12 books in that series. I found this interesting tidbit from Goodreads, "Though Phyllis Reynolds Naylor grew up during the Depression and her family did not have a lot of money, Naylor stated that she never felt poor because her family owned good books. Her parents enjoyed reading stories to the children and her mother read to them every evening 'almost until we were old enough to go out on dates though we never would have admitted this to anyone.'" 

One Christmas, my sister told us about Max Lucado's, You are Special. Once we read that, our library expanded with many other books written by him-all well loved, read and reread. 

Here are some of our top picks from Max Lucado:

You are Mine

Because I Love You

Small Gifts in God's Hands

Jacob's Gift (A Christmas one.This one gives me goosebumps every time.)

Other Christmas favorites:

The Very First Christmas by Paul L. Maier (Love the questions of the boy, Chris.)

The Legend of the Candy Cane by Lori Walburg

Books by Arnold Ytreeide we could not put down. After I read a few chapters to my family- from these exciting adventure books of fictionalized characters set in true Biblical accounts-I had to cheat... When I put my kids to bed, I pulled the book back out to keep reading ahead. We read the ones from around the birth of Christ in November and December and the ones about Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection during Lent and Easter. Here are some of the titles of  Advent ones:

Jotham's Journey

Bartholomew's Passage

Tabitha's Travels

A final "must have" in every home is The Treasure Tree by John & Cindy Trent and Greg & Norma Smalley. An engaging story of four characters needing to work together utilizing their different personality types to find the treasure. 

What are some of your favorite books to read as a family?

READING-A GIFT THAT LASTS A FOR A LIFETIME!

Some of our favorite family memories are reading together! 

Read aloud to your children. 

Make books readily available in your home.  

What are some of your favorite books?

This Black Friday hunt for book specials and use for a lasting gift.

Winter Whines, Proper Perspectives, and God's Grace

"The temperature is going to be 32 degrees tomorrow morning," my husband announced as I woke up today. "You will need to go turn the furnace on in the boat." UGH. 🌡❄

I knew colder weather was soon upon us and I have been dreading it. (I do NOT complain about the extensive 100 degree Texas sunny days!) After living in WI for 30+ years, surely I can handle a few cold snaps during fall and winter in TX.  I keep asking myself why is this temporary cold so bothersome? Finally I realized-the boat! Our camperesque live-on boat located closer to work to reduce commute time is the source of my cold weather stress. If the engines, generator, or water in the lines on the boat freeze, it wreaks havoc.

As I laid under warm blankets worrying and whiney about the cold and boat, a blog post I read yesterday came to mind and suddenly put everything into a totally different perspective...

From https://www.appleofhiseye.org

Micha's Devotion        https://www.appleofhiseye.org/connect/blog 

Written by Micha Cohen 

Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place. For we are to God the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing. To the one we are the aroma of death leading to death, and to the other the aroma of life leading to life. And who is sufficient for these things? For we are not, as so many, peddling the word of God; but as of sincerity, but as from God, we speak in the sight of God in Christ. (2 Cor. 2:14-17)

In Bible college, I had a hermeneutics class where we focused on these four verses for a whole semester! They are now my life verses!

In Roman days there would be processions celebrating the return of a king with his captives behind him. We are Jesus' captives. We used to be captive to sin, but now we're HIS captives!

Whenever we talk about Jesus, people will respond in one of two ways. To some, we stink like "death." They respond in anger. To others, we're the sweet smell of Jesus, of "life." They praise God we're there!

One time while doing an outreach in Israel during Sukkot an Orthodox Jewish man came up and attacked us and tried to tear down our booth. He saw I was videotaping his attack and he hit me in the face a few times and stole my camera. Some secular guys took it back from him and returned it to me. Then two women in full Islamic coverings came over and asked, "Why did that man attack you?" We told them it was because we believed in Jesus. They asked, "Why didn't you fight back?" We told them again it was because we believed in Jesus. They asked if we had anything they could read about what we believed, and we gave them a New Testament in Arabic! Praise God!

It's worth it to find those whom God is drawing to Himself out there and be willing to face those who think we stink!

From Devotions from the Field, copyright 2013 Jews for Jesus.

Dramatically different perspective-people's lives and eternity... In the course of life, the boat and potential consequences of freezing is "small potatoes" to quote my brother. But the potential consequences of sharing Jesus is eternal! For a world that desperately needs HOPE, PEACE, JOY, the grace of Jesus is life-giving, now and for all eternity. 

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified by His grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. From Romans 3 

In Jesus we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us. From Ephesians 1

What are the "cold weather" situations that cause you to worry or whine? How can the importance of God's lavish love for you through the grace of Jesus Christ help you put life's priorities in perspective? How can you share God's love with others-starting with those closest to you and rippling out?

Power of a Kayak

 "Should we take it?" 

That question was always asked as we prepared to pack for our annual trip to Lake Powell. Initially friends insisted on loaning us a kayak; eventually as a family we "earned" a kayak. (Read about it here.)

On the one hand, the kayak added a lot of weight to our already heavily loaded vehicle transporting the six of us, plus everything we needed-food, bedding, books, clothing (mostly swim suits), etc.- for the middle of nowhere for two weeks. Additionally it was one more item to load and unload from the car in the desert heat.

But almost every year the kayak made the cut. Why? Because on the other hand, the kayak could stop and go.

GO 

In various spots on Lake Powell, potty stations are set up. Beaching the houseboat near the Rincon around mile marker 77 is always one of our favorite spots. (The fact that military planes sometimes buzz by low in the canyon is just one of the reasons we love it.) Nearby is one of the potty stations and the perfect way to get there is a nice quiet kayak run. (Yes, the houseboat has a tiny bathroom with a small potty, but you never want to risk it filling up before the vacation is over.)

One scary night, when we were returning from an emergency in the dark, we were trying to navigate our little motor boat around the rocks to return to the houseboat. Because of lack of depth perception in the dark, we needed another point of reference. Daniel took the kayak out with a big flashlight to help solve the problem. Thank God, for the kayak. 

If you are a high school boy at Lake Powell, it is a long way away from the girls back home in Wisconsin. If you have a particular sweety you want to talk to, you need to navigate to where you can see the cell tower at the top Navajo Mountain. ...Often from one of the locations we frequent on the lake, you can see Navajo from the top of the rocks on the other side of the main channel about one mile away. The kayak is the perfect mode of transportation to get to the opposite side of the lake in order to climb the rocks at a chance for cell service. 

STOP

Although, we often have a houseboat full of people (read more here), part of the allure of Lake Powell is quiet time. You are a speck in the grandeur around you. You want to soak it all in.  A quiet paddle in the kayak to rest in the middle of nowhere is ideal. God designed us to rest-physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally. In Mark 6:31 Jesus said, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." (One of Lake Powell theme verses.) Our kayak time is valuable rest time. Rest is not just for the summer, but all seasons. To find more resources check out Run Hard. Rest Well.  How can you find rest?

We thank our friends, the Webbs, who began our tradition of the kayak, a tool for both going and stopping.